And we’re back with another installment of Conversations with Claus, where Santa gives the advice and Mobile Illumination provides the social media platform. In this month’s Skype session, Santa, the world’s longest married man, is sharing all the wisdom acquired by 1,725 years of marriage to Mrs. Claus with Ken Klaviermann, a married man of 42 from Pacific Palisades.

Ken is at his wits end. He is tired of giving tired Valentine’s Day gifts. He loves his wife dearly but never knows what to get her. Teddy Bears have more mileage on them than the 405. A box of chocolates is about as old as the iconic line from Forrest Gump, and flowers are beautiful, but Karen, his beloved wife, is allergic to flowers.

And it gets worse. Today is Valentine’s Day and Ken doesn’t have a gift for Karen. She comes home from work in a few hours and he needs help, desperately. Fortunately for Ken, Santa is just the Saint to help him.

 

Hey Santa, Ken Klaviermann here. I need your help.

 

Hey Ken…You sound a little stressed out. I understand you are dealing with a Valentine’s Day dilemma.

 

 

 

No, Santa. It’s worse than a Valentine’s Day dilemma. It’s Mission Impossible.

 

Mission Impossible?

 

 

 

It’s Valentine’s Day, the clock is ticking, and I’m pulling my hair out trying to find a good gift idea. She doesn’t eat chocolate. She thinks Teddy Bears are childish. And the last time I brought home roses she nearly sneezed the house down. I tried candles last year, and nearly burned the house down. Nothing seems to work, and I can’t go another year seeing the disappointment in her eyes.

 

 

I hear you, Ken. Nothing is worse than disappointing the one you love, but your dilemma isn’t impossible.

 

 

It isn’t?

 

 

No, it’s challenging, but not impossible.

 

 

Then what do I do? Just once, I would like to see her open up a Valentine’s gift from me and look exactly like it was her first Christmas again. What do I give her?

 

For all of my nearly 2,000 years on the planet I have seen men give women the wrong gifts. That Mughal Emperor building the Taj Mahal for his wife. Louis the XVI emptying the royal treasury for Marie Antoinette’s palace retreat, and my neighbor, Frosty, giving Mrs. Frosty a gag gift. A ticket to the tanning salon (she didn’t find this funny). That Taj Mahal was a romantic idea, don’t get me wrong, but the empress wasn’t around to see it.

 

But Santa, my wife will be pulling up the driveway in a few hours, and you’re talking about Frosty the Snowman and tanning beds? What does the Taj Mahal have to do with any of this?

 

The Taj Mahal has everything to do with this, Ken.

 

 

What?

 

 

The problem that Emperor had wasn’t the idea—it was a noble, touchingly romantic gesture—but the timing was terrible. Don’t wait to give her a temple tomorrow when it’s too late. Create a Valentine temple today.

 

 

How do I do that?

 

 

First you need light and color. You know those red and white Christmas lights you used at Christmas?

 

 

Yes, what about them?

 

 

Well get them down from the attic, or call your friends at Mobile Illumination and tell them you have a holiday lighting emergency. Either way, we need some lights and a tree. Is there a tree in your front yard?

 

 

Yes, an old sycamore.

 

 

Perfect, take those red and white lights, and make a large heart in the center of the tree. It will remind her of the hearts that young lovers carve in the wood. It will remind her of all those exciting early years of courtship.

 

 

That’s a great idea, Santa. She would love that. What else?

 

 

What is your wedding song? The song you danced to that night?

 

 

“Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison.

 

 

That song should be playing the moment she enters your home. Also, where did you go on your honeymoon?

 

 

We went to Paris.

 

 

So you do have some romance in your bones after all, Ken. What was her favorite meal in Paris?

 

 

One night, we found a lovely Left Bank Café along the Seine. They served Baked Camembert and a main course of Cassoulet with a Bordeaux red wine. She said it was the greatest meal she ever ate.

 

 

Re-create the greatest meal she ever ate, Ken. Make it happen tonight. Anyone can recreate a Cassoulet with this 30 minute simple recipe. Besides, even if it isn’t perfect, you made it for her. And there is still one more secret.

 

 

What is that, Santa?

 

 

You give her the Taj Mahal.

 

 

What is that, Santa?

 

 

You give her the Taj Mahal.

 

 

What? How do I do that?

 

 

You make a card shaped like a Taj Mahal.

 

 

Why do I do that?

 

 

Because your life together is that temple. Every beautiful moment—the initials carved in the tree, the wedding dance, the moonlit meal in Paris; they are all marble bricks in the making of that magnificent temple.

 

 

That’s beautiful, Santa. Very poetic.

 

I try, Ken. I try. But back to the temple—she needs to know that the temple is not finished, but it is always being added to, and each brick makes it stronger and more beautiful every day. Are there things Karen has wanted to try but you never got around to?

 

 

She has always wanted to ride horses on the beach. She always talks about taking dancing lessons together at Arthur Murray, and last year, we were supposed to go on this hot-air balloon ride, but the winds were terrible that day and they had to cancel.

 

 

So take all of those things you haven’t tried yet, and put them inside that card. When she opens that temple card, she should see your future together unfolding. Tickets to Arthur Murray Tango lessons, hot-air balloon rides, and riding horses on the beaches of Big Sur.

 

I had no idea you were such a romantic, Santa. I thought this was all mission impossible but these ideas will make me look like the second coming of Romeo.

 

 

Your welcome, Ken. Now go build your temple to Ken and Karen, and let me get started on my own temple for Mrs. Claus. I better get started soon or I’ll be sleeping out in the Igloo with Rudolph tonight (his snores could cut glass).